Wedding dress...2

The corset!

 I know, I know, but... maybe wedding night.

more freedom

simple, classy.

LOVE... part two

             Sometimes I like the idea of love. The idea that someone is always there for you. The idea that someone out there would be devastated if something bad happened to you. That physical and emotional connection that you share; needing someone in more ways than one. Other times it sickens me. It makes me want to hurl at the thought of such dependence on someone. The ‘complicatedness’ and weirdness that comes with it. The sidestepping, overanalyzing, fighting, break up- make up is just to me extremely messy. I like things tidy so I avoid love. I hide away from it. If I want something physical I go seek it out, toy with it, then flee before it becomes too much. I quiet down again and go on my daily routine, but it doesn’t last for long. 

                See I’m a restless being, maybe it’s just that age or in my nature, but I am never satisfied with the mundane. So I seek love out, testing the waters, seeing if it’s mellowed a bit, if it won’t sting as much… Then love has that “Aha!” moment and it gauds me, hides and teases. So I seek it out, begging and pleading like a former addict who wants that old euphoric feeling back. However love holds out. Doesn’t see why it should, I mean come on Di; we both know you can’t take it. Like I’d listen, I’m a Taurus, I was born stubborn. I insist, after all isn’t it my right to have a taste? Love just shakes its all knowing head, and walks away. I’m left wondering, is that a yes or a no? 

            Brooding becomes my second nature, but they say love comes when you least expect it, so I keep busy. Thank God I study medicine; it’s a jealous master so it will keep you as busy as it possibly can. Books, lectures, exams, group discussions and no outside life becomes the norm. But I forget, I’m a restless spirit and soon enough I break through that little bubble, looking for an exhilarating high under the night sky. Sure enough I find it, a little open mic, music performances, liquor, dance, tobacco and random hook-ups, but it’s not enough, never enough. That restless glint at the edge of my irises is barely visible and if the eyes are the windows to the soul all anyone would find is a raging storm. Normally I keep it at bay yet when I’m out at night I can’t, won’t contain it any more. I let it out. Sweet ecstasy. I’m free. Free for those few hours before the sun comes out again and society dictates my moves on the chess board that life is.

           Then love comes back, when I had started accepting my restless being, and throws me a crumb or two to keep me in its clutches. There he is, looking like a true Adonis, probably carved by God’s hand itself. Tall, dark and handsome- a lethal combination, just the way I like it. He smiles at me and I know I’m screwed. Royally. I mention him to my friend and pretty soon she’s pushing me towards him till all there is to do is say hi. I can’t run, even if I wanted to. He smiles again and I swear inside. Lwanda, that’s his name. Strong. Distinct. Impressive. A name with a rich history. Should have known fate was pinning me to the wall the minute I heard that name. He talks, I laugh, I talk and he smiles. A really corny smile that seems to be promising me that there’s more to come.

               Of course, I can’t like this guy, its raev; no one falls in love or like here, I know that. Then he kisses me.  Every piece of me howls, because we know then that there’s no turning back. Because I felt, I still feel.  He has a little hold on me that if he wants, could grow bigger and stronger.  If he doesn’t, then I’m determined to make the most of the night. With the sun rise comes the departure- a necessary evil. The acute pain and regret, amplified by alcohol will soon die off by afternoon.  I can laugh now, love can laugh at me too because it knows it has me. Soon enough I’ll be back at its door, begging and pleading for another night with him. Love knows I’m not there yet, not yet really understood it but it will indulge me for its own guilty pleasures. After all, it needs me as much as I need it. We continue this doggy race, love and I, wondering who will win. Who will tame the other? We both don’t know the answer  to that question but we live to see another day. To test each other’s boundaries, to see who will be the first to break.