The Perfect Man

The perfect man. If there was ever a common mirage in the desert this would be it. You’ve all seen the picture of the lady seated on the bench waiting for the perfect man and she’s …… a skeleton. That’s right, an anatomically correct pile of bones. And we all know that one girl who just might end up being the true sorry version of that and it may very well be me! However I shall quickly exonerate myself by stating that I do not believe in the perfect man. I believe in Mr. There-for-you. Mr. Got-your-back. I believe that a man loving you doesn’t necessarily have to show it via expensive gifts and sweet nothings but by the steadiness of his embrace and by the fact that he puts up with your shit. And let’s face it; we do have a lot of shit.

For those of you who are fans of Bikozulu or are yet to discover this talented man (Jackson Biko of Man Talk) you need to get on his site and click on the Men and Women category. Here he painstakingly explains who a man is. Everyone should read it. While you’re there, you could also check out on who he thinks a woman is, and either cringe or pat yourself on the back because high-fiving is too mainstream. Or use it as a template for in your own search for your better half. Further down is my favourite Bikozulu article of all times –Knickers! Yes I adore that blog post and before you judge me, go read it! Okay enough with free advertising.

A few weeks back I got THE CALL from one of my aunties. The is-there-anyone-special-in-your-life-seeing-as-you’re-almost-done-with-uni call. I swear my eyebrows reached my hairline! Yes, I’m headed to fourth year medicine which means I’m not exactly spring chicken. (I’m serious by the way; the older you get in med school as a girl the slimmer your chances of being asked out by highly eligible bachelors. I could go on but that’s a rant for another day.) Yes, I do not, have not, had a serious meaningful relationship and there doesn’t seem to be any in the horizon. But there’s plenty of time right? I mean I’m in my late teens, (yes, teens! My mother practically still calls me an adolescent) so I still have a long way to go. It’s not like my eggs are a limited number…wait, shoot! Still. Yes, that’s what I have to say in my defence. Besides there’s still the first degree- masters gap that I am yet to encounter so I’m still safe. Breathe DeeDee, breathe.

Anyway she suggested that due to my impending graduation, now approaching fast in my peripheral vision, I cannot afford to waste time trying out all the bloody fish in the sea. I need to be strategic. I need to come with a plan, goals and objectives. I need to make a dream board. I need to make THE LIST. The list of exactly what I want in a man, what qualities I’m I searching for, which gene pool do I want to dip my feet into and who’s surname can I stomach for the rest of my life. My dream guy. My standard. Plus what type of babies do I want; do I want them dark or light? Melancholic or jolly? All female or male? Brown or blue eyes? My head is already spinning.  I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. Which is exactly what I did. It’s been weeks now since the list was mentioned and I haven’t gotten round to it till today. So let’s do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay.

Ummmmmmm.

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Maybe I should just sleep on it.

No! I’ve procrastinated long enough. I have to do this, even if it’s to laugh at myself when I’m a wizened old grey-haired lady or to tick the points on the morning of my wedding day. Team no sleep till this is done!

1.       He must be male.

 Yeah, I’m sticking to being heterosexual. I tried being adventurous and it was fun while it lasted. I realised though I was trying to fill a void which unfortunately needs a male perspective. Don’t get me wrong, girls are great and they know their way round the female body, after all the have one. But my heart wants what it wants.

2.       I would really like it if he were tall and dark.

My dad’s tall. There lies the root of my prejudice. Plus I believe in the Napoleon syndrome. I am sorry to every short guy out there but you guys do not put butterflies in my belly. Neither do you stir my loins (I’m I allowed to say that?) The number of times short guys have tried flirting with me and I just found it amusing. I like high heels too. I don’t take short guys seriously. Again refer back on top to my number one reason for this prejudice. I adore dark chocolate; white is too damn sweet and makes me feel sick afterwards. Not dark. Dark chocolate takes me to heaven and back. It makes me want to howl and kick in the air just so you could release that overwhelming sense of joy. Or ecstasy, sometimes I can’t tell the difference. I would recognize all the dark brothers when I walk into a room in five minutes flat. I love it. I love the idea of it next to my own skin. I love how dark men come in different hues and how some just get it right. They stand out. My whole essence basically lights up when I see such men. My heart constantly breaks because they prefer light-skinned girls. The universe is ironical.

3.       Hardworking man.

I believe in hard work. It pays. Hard work never killed anyone, that’s what my Class 8 teacher, Mrs.Attogo would say. That woman whipped me to shape I can tell you that, but she also made me believe in myself. That I could do it. This is one of the reasons why my KCPE marks were so damn good. A man who works hard will provide for that food on the table daily. A hardworking fellow has vision, purpose and drive which are why he wakes up and does his best every day. This man not only dreams but does something about it. I want to sleep and wake up daily next to this man. Stick with him through thick and thin and you’ll be surprised just how far he’ll go, then he’ll leave you for a pretty young thing.

4.       A man who is knowledgeable.

Knowledge is attainable. I read quite a lot. Fact and fiction. Bestsellers, underdogs, fantasy, autobiographies, the English classics. You name it I’ve read it or will read it. Few things make me as happy as opening the wrapper of a new book or sniffing the pages of a second hand book, discovering new words or falling into semi –imagined state where you’re not just reading a book, you’re in the book. This crazy habit was bestowed to me by my very own father who is quite a reader himself. I don’t just need this man to be book- savvy, I want him to be well versed in current events, okay even slightly versed is alright because current events aren’t as fun as historical events. He should love his career and strive to be better in it even if it means being in university at the same time as his kids. I want him to love books because our house will be filled with them. Already I’m surprised at how many places you can look in my room and find a book lodged in somewhere and I placed them there myself! I hope he’s naturally curious so that he can just blurt out some or funny or just huh? fact when I’m with him so that I can laugh. This reminds me…

5.       A man with a sense of humour is worth his weight in gold.

Need I say more? He needs to make me laugh. I love laughing, even if I occasionally snort. Laughing is healthy. After many years of marriage, it could be the only thing keeping us together.

6.       He loves kids.

 I want children, eventually. I want the father of my children to be involved in their lives. I almost always opt for single parenthood whenever I fantasize about the future, then I think of the relationship I have with my dad and stop. I’d like my kid to have that too. A boy should learn about being a man from his father and a girl should see how men should treat her by how her dad treats her mom. God damn it, this is hard!

7.       He is my rock.

8.       He is my complementary half.

My perfect man should also be my best friend. Plus an awesome lover. I hear you can’t have it both ways. Rules were meant to be broken and myths, shattered. I solemnly swear that I will not wear mother union panties, except maybe during my monthly period. He should make me want to better myself and vice versa.

9.       He should be able to at least burst one move on the dance floor.

At least! Plus be a fun sport about it!

10.   Respect, adore, love, cherish.

These are important, no?

11.   Treat me right.

He should take me out. Wine and dine me. Treat me like a queen. I’m not saying live beyond our means but a girl needs to feel appreciated. There are couples who spend their outings in Uhuru Park. You have no excuse. P.S I will not sit in Uhuru Park.

12.   Patience is a virtue that he needs to have.

13.   A man who makes me feel comfortable in my own skin.

I’m really quirky and it takes getting used to. However if you get to see my quirky side, you are clearly way ahead in the list of contenders.

14.   A man who doesn’t leave.

There will be times you will wonder why you’re in this relationship. There are times we will argue. Times I will annoy you, you will make me want to pull out my hair and you will wonder whether I have a loose nut somewhere. There will be bad days. We can ride them out and have the good outweigh the bad, this I can honestly promise.

15.   Generosity and responsibility. Such nice qualities. I want my man to have them. At least these you can note even before you start dating. Sometimes I can be mean, and you might need to gently nudge me in the right direction. A responsible man makes you feel safe and comfortable. I know he’ll take care of me, and I him.

Phew! For now the list stands at 15! Didn’t sound too shallow I hope, nor unrealistic. Oops, forgot one major point- I have to love and respect him. There are plenty other points which will be added or deducted in the future and that’s alright. I know I’m yet to find this guy, or maybe I have and I’m being completely obstinate about it. The point is I’m not going to wait for him to show up on my front door like this is a Disney fairy tale. I’m going to live my life! Whether he steps up or not is his choice, because I’ll be too busy trying to make my life as amazing as I can! What’s on your list?